Why Attraction Fades Even When Communication is Great

The Inconvenient Truth Most Therapists Miss : Communication Builds Safety, Not Desire.

Most therapeutic models treat communication as a cure‑all. Couples are told to talk and open up more, reveal more about their inner world, and use more "feeling-statements." And while this certainly helps build trust and safety, it does absolutely nothing for desire. In fact, it often kills it.

This is a huge blind spot, and it is also where polarity practice comes in.

You see, attraction is driven by energy (unconscious layers) and not by conscious communication or even the best intentions. This also explains why so many couples are stuck in so-called love/hate dynamics: "I WANT you, but I really can't stand you sometimes."

There is nothing rational or logical about desire.

And the more we treat desire (or Eros) as something to be managed, the more it slips through our fingers. Desire is a deep reflection of life itself, a fluid and feminine expression: one moment we are overcome by it, and the next we can feel totally disconnected from it.

Why Equality Sometimes Reduces Attraction

When couples feel a loss of attraction, they end up sharing life as roommates or good friends. Some accept this as the new mode, especially when there is no conflict. "We may not have sex like we used to, but we barely fight." Others turn to therapy in an attempt to get it back. "If we could just learn to talk about our feelings, our emotions, our sexual needs... then we can get it back on track."

In a masculinized world, we mostly deal with the loss of desire in one of two ways:

• we either withdraw completely, letting it dry up

• or we desperately try to "puzzle our way" back to it somehow

Neither of these get the job done. That is, not unless the underlying issue is addressed:

The loss of desire or attraction is usually a direct result of a loss of polarity.

Therapy often revolves around conflict-resolution. And, as much as couples certainly need to learn this, it can also get in their way. When it comes to intimacy, reducing conflict often also reduces tension... and tension drives desire.

This is where the polarity framework adds an essential layer to couple's work: it shows that resonance, while valuable, is not always the highest good to aim for. At least, not when it comes to attraction and desire. No amount of talking, explaining or understanding can change the energetic dynamic that drives desire.

Why Understanding Our Lover More Will Not Make Us Desire Them More

I discuss this concept in Embodied Polarity and explain: "We might feel understood in that neutral zone of harmony or resonance, but we don't feel challenged or moved. Sexual tension, or life force, flourishes in the unknown." (p.100) When we treat that neutral zone of resolution and harmony as the highest good in our relationships, we lose the deepest gift our love has to offer.

This is precisely that unknown, or unconscious territory, that C.Jung himself reminded us is so essential and so neglected: "We still go on thinking and acting as before, as if we were simplex and not duplex. Nobody can deny that without the psyche there would be no world at all, and still less a human world." (The Undiscovered Self, p.46)

In other words, it is time to start paying attention to this unconscious layer, the largest part of the iceberg, hidden beneath the surface of our interaction with others. If we want to really connect with our partners, and explore all of those layers that drive our deepest desires and attraction, we must take the focus off the conscious and dive deeper. This takes courage.

I often refer to psychotherapist Esther Perel in this, as she so poignantly explains where couples lose connection (and how they can keep it alive): she insists that intimacy flourishes in the unknown, and in accepting that our lover is a world that will always be (in part) undiscovered. That is not an obstacle to connection, but the thing that actually keeps us engaged. In other words, what we long for most (intimacy, attraction and desire) is found where we are most scared to look: in the space beyond our control.

This is why polarity is a determining factor in how couples experience attraction:

The more we insist on knowing, on sameness, and on "capturing" our lover, the quicker we will kill attraction.

I am not suggesting that we stop communicating. Healthy relationships thrive on conscious communication, but we need to recognize how it serves us. If we treat communication as the fix-it-all, we will end up killing Eros.

You can talk for hours, share your dreams and wants, but it is not going to change the energetic charge between you. In fact, it may kill it.

The more you explain, the better you feel you resonate with your partner, the less you are engaging with that other, hidden part of them. And that is the part that draws you to them in the first place.

How Embodied Polarity Helps Couples Get the Spark Back

If we want to love with more depth and desire, we must learn to relate to what is unconscious in ourselves and in each other. Polarity offers us a framework to engage with those deeper layers. If you want to know what that work looks like,

Attraction fades when we choose emotional neutrality over tension. Through the Embodied Polarity framework, couples --->

1) gain awareness about their energetic patterns,

2) learn to use tension to transform their dynamics and experience more attraction & intimacy

3) gain a sense of shared leadership in their relationship.