Masculine / Feminine Orientation in Moments of Conflict

How can you recognize masculine or feminine energy in the midst of tension?

And, more importantly, how can you identify the deeper longing hidden underneath?

Take a look at the statements below... the ones that sound familiar will give you a hint about your own orientation (during moments of conflict, in this case) in any given moment. The desire is the aim I listed above the statements.

In every difficult interaction (whether that be in a romantic, social, or professional context), we all slip into either a masculine or feminine mode. This is not a fixed identity, but our energetic orientation IN THE MOMENT. I explain these dynamics in detail in my book, Embodied Polarity.

But here’s a simple way to recognise where you are:

Masculine Orientation (in conflict)

You’re trying to stabilise & establish order/structure in the moment (this is the hidden desire beneath the tension)

• “Try to be reasonable for once.”

• “No matter what I do, you’re never satisfied.”

• “This makes no sense! Explain it properly.”

• “Can we please stay on the actual issue.”

• “Tell me what you want so I can fix it.”

• “Stop exaggerating!”

Any expression that is marked by : pushing for clarity, structure, resolution.

Feminine Orientation (in conflict)

Your aim is to express the truth of your experience in the moment (this is your longing underneath the frustration)

• “I can’t explain why, but I know this is true.”

• “See? You can’t handle me.”

• “You’re not listening to what I’m actually saying.”

• “Why do I always have to justify how I feel.”

• “Stop trying to fix me!”

• “You’re not taking me seriously!”

  
  

Expressions marked by: reaching for resonance, emotional reality, attunement & the intensity of connection (or lack thereof).

What is the main difference between masculine & feminine energy in moments of conflict?

The tension between partners is directly connected to conflicting needs in that moment. They can take turns and actually switch sides, but this is the primary source of conflict. And that root desire will help you identify a masculine or feminine orientation.

The masculine is always oriented toward resolution and order. This can look like aloofness in conflict, but is actually a deep need for peace. The feminine, meanwhile, is deeply driven to express the truth of what is experienced in the now: the emotional subtext of what is going on. She knows, deep down, what the state of the connection is. If she senses anything is off, she will sound the alarm (even if that causes conflict and drama!).

Remember that we shift in and out of these modes! In other words, we all have “masculine moments” or “feminine moments.” These are driven by the energetic input of those we interact with. In other words, if your partner leans more toward an energy of “This is too much!!” you will automatically be pushed into more of “Please take me seriously!!”

What can partners do to resolve this tension?

This is how energy operates. The key is not to get rid of these tendencies, but to learn to identify them, so that you can identify your core desire beneath the tension.

If you recognize some of these statements, you probably identify with the aim I listed above in that moment. And when you can identify your core longing, you can learn to ask for it in a more mature way, instead of by-passing by just expressing the story of your frustration.