What If The Relationship Isn't Meant to Work?

What if its real purpose is to reveal what neither partner can see yet about themselves?

"How Do We Make This Relationship Work?"

Most couples have asked that question, at least once throughout their relationship. And the question itself points at something interesting about our perspective on relationships: we are micro-managers, even in love.

That perspective causes a lot of tension, both inside of us and between us. When the going gets tough, we feel there is something we must do better. From a depth psychological perspective, we are called upon to see differently. That difference is essential.

What Did Jung Say About Tension?

Jung observed that we do not individuate through relationships without crises, and that “there is no coming to consciousness without pain” (CW 17, ¶331). Read this way, the tension between partners carries crucial information about the polarity they embody and the parts of themselves they have projected onto each other.

In Embodied Polarity I offer a new reading of relational dynamics: masculine and feminine energies as principles within each person, projection and Shadow in the choice of partner, and tension as something to explore (rather than resolve). 

This invites a new perspective:

“It takes a different approach to see conflict as a learning space, one we can learn to tolerate and even delight in. Polarity work invites us to use our differences with purpose. By meeting friction with playfulness and curiosity, we grow in ourselves and our relationships. The reward is great, but it demands devotion.” (Embodied Polarity)

Here are some examples of how polarity work helps us ask different (dare I say “better”) questions.

How Does Polarity Change Our Relationship Dynamics?

When we change our relationship to tension, we open ourselves up to explore the layers underneath our behavioral patterns and conflict. We are invited into a deeper relationship with our own psyche through the relationship with a partner. When we commit to this work, we open our eyes to what the relationship itself serves to show us, the mirror our partner becomes.  We stop resisting the reflection and, therefore, finally really look at our Self underneath those coping mechanisms and masks of the persona we have grown so familiar with.